


Klaus and Dave Get Married In Their Bathroom

by intheflowers



Series: If I Had An Orchard [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 1960s AU, Crack, Dave lives, Domesticity, Fluff, Fools in Love, Honestly I don't know where this came from, M/M, Oblivious Old People, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, but it's here now, impromptu marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 18:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20661626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intheflowers/pseuds/intheflowers
Summary: Klaus accidentally lies to an old lady. Dave thinks of the perfect solution.(Hint: it's getting married. Dave Katz is many things, but he's not a LIAR.)(Actually, that's a lie. He just wants Klaus to be his husband.)





	Klaus and Dave Get Married In Their Bathroom

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most ludicrous thing I have ever written ohoho 
> 
> (Also I’m pretending that homophobia doesn’t exist bc that shit is exhausting. Basically the whole town says gay rights. Except for some who are thick as bricks and just don’t realise - which also happens to include Klaus and Dave bc they’ve just assumed the whole town is oblivious and that everyone believes their transparent Ha Ha We Are Just Friends act. They don’t. There is a town-wide conspiracy to play along.)

It was late, and Klaus had just finished his shift at the restaurant in town. He’d been waiting tables tonight, which was much more interesting than washing dish after dish after dish because he was able to natter away with all manner of people. He knew most of them vaguely, some better than others. 

Tonight he’d been talking to Shelley Johnson - widowed years ago, always up for a good gossip. She had a soft spot for Klaus, and a full-blown old lady crush on Dave, who she’d only ever spoken to once. 

‘And how is that friend of yours, darl?’ she crooned when he brought her a slice of lemon meringue pie, waving him into the seat opposite. She was the last customer of the night. ‘The charming fella.’ 

‘Dave?’ He knew who she meant, but he was quite content to put his feet up for a moment and play along. 

‘That’s the one. Oh, he’s a real sweet one, he is. Always waves at me when he’s driving past. How is he?’

Klaus leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head. ‘Fine and dandy, last I checked. He’s been working on the farm up on the ridge, helping them rebuild the barn up there after that crazy storm, you know.’

‘Oh, that’s good to hear, good news indeed. I have to say - it’s been real nice seeing the two of you settle in here. Some people had their doubts, you know. What on earth do two unfamiliar veterans want with our little town, etcetera. You know the way people talk.’ She cut through the point of her slice with a silvery cake fork, then turned the piece of cutlery on him, shaking it to emphasise her words. ‘But Marcela was telling me just now that she’s quite impressed with your progress here at the Blackbird. Called you a right disaster when you first showed up. And I must admit, I did think you were more than a little scatterbrained when I first met you.’ 

Klaus chuckled. ‘Gee, thanks.’ 

‘Bah. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.’ 

He laughed again. ‘Oh, Shelley. Please never change.’ 

‘I’m seventy-three, darl. There’s no time left for that.’ She took a dainty bite, then settled her fork down, looking smug. ‘Anyhow, as I was saying, the two of you really seem to have found your feet. Me and the girls were talking at bingo the other night, saying it’s a wonder neither of you have settled down yet.’ She looked over at Klaus in his swishy hippie-skirt, and seemed to reconsider her words. ‘Of course, I know you may have… a different persuasion, and you won’t hear any quarrel from me, darlin’. But our Dave? He’s such a handsome young man. I’m honestly shocked I haven’t seen him arm in arm with a young gal, swinging out and about in town. It’s a crying shame!’ 

Klaus bristled. ‘Oh… well-’

‘I know you’ll think me terribly forward, but as his friend you really should encourage him to get back out there-’

‘Shelley, I don’t think-’

‘- and, see here, I know a lovely young lady - Sophie, do you know her? Sweet thing. She’ll be having lunch with me on Wednesday at one o’clock, and Dave would be very welcome to join us. And you too, of course. You’ll pass on the invitation?’

‘I guess, but -’

‘But what? Do you think he’ll say no? You don’t have to tell him about Sophie. It can be our little surprise if he’s shy. He seems like he’d be a shy thing, don’t you think?’

‘He’s not shy,’ Klaus said flatly. 

‘Well, then what’s his excuse? Is it a money thing? It’s always a money thing.’

‘It’s got nothing to do with money.’ 

Shelley didn’t seem to hear him. ‘Most girls round here don’t mind an honest worker. Especially one that looks like him.’ 

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m sure they’d all adore him, but that’s not the issue here.’

‘What’s the issue?’ 

‘I dunno, maybe the fact that you’re trying to set him up without any sign from him that it’s something he wants?’ 

She scoffed. ‘We’re hardly marrying him off without his permission. It’s just a little nudge in the right direction!’ 

‘More like a shove,’ Klaus said, sighing wearily. He found Shelley amusing up until the point where she started trying to poach his boyfriend for someone else, which had happened more than once now, and he really couldn’t be bothered dealing with her shit tonight. Yeah, she didn’t know that they were boyfriends, but if his body language was a flashing neon sign that said FRAGILE - DO NOT TOUCH, then Shelley was a bulldozer driving straight at it, full throttle, with sudden onset dyslexia. ‘Look, I’ve got to get back to work. We’re nearly closed.’

‘I didn’t mean any offense,’ Shelley said, her attention on the pie. ‘You’ll tell him about the lunch?’ 

‘Yes,’ he sighed, ‘but I’m not going to trick him. I’ll tell him you’ve invited him, and why. And how about this - I’ll also save you the effort of waiting to see if he shows and tell you right now: he won’t go.’ 

She tutted. ‘He might surprise you.’ 

Klaus stood up, pushing the chair back in swiftly. ‘He always does. But in this case, I doubt it.’ 

‘We’ll see.’

Klaus didn’t reply to that, and was turning to go when she added smugly, ‘It’s commitment issues, isn’t it? He’s afraid of settling down.’ 

Klaus didn’t often get angry. It wasn’t in his nature. But tonight, he’d gone from tolerating her nosiness to being downright annoyed, and with that last statement something went off inside him. 

Shelley must have seen him tense, because she cried, ‘Aha! So there it is!’

He whipped back around. ‘That’s not it at all!’ 

‘Well, it certainly seems that way-’

‘Oh my _ god _,’ he groaned, ‘just stop already you dried-up old busy-body! You can’t set him up with anyone! He’s already married!’ 

And where that came from - well, he had no damn clue. 

Shelley’s mouth dropped open, fork hovering forgotten over her slice of pie. 

‘Happy?’ he asked, holding his hands out in exasperation. 

‘But - to _ who? _’

Klaus didn’t answer. He simply marched back into the kitchen and proceeded to switch duties with the dishwasher, a freckled teenager called Sam, who readily agreed upon seeing the look on his face. 

And now he was outside the restaurant, clocked out and wheeling his bicycle out to the main road, heart hammering in his chest, reliving that last moment over and over again. It was maybe the stupidest lie he’d ever told, for many reasons. 

First of all, Dave wasn’t married to anyone. 

Second of all, if Dave was going to be married to anyone it would probably be Klaus, but that currently wasn’t on the agenda, namely because it was 1970 and the law wasn’t exactly on their side. 

And third - well, Klaus didn’t have too much experience in relationships, but he was almost one hundred percent certain that claiming his boyfriend was married (when he definitely wasn’t) was a big no-no. Especially when it opened him up to all sorts of gossip and rumours in town, because now that Shelley knew, the whole town would also know. Extra-especially when it could be read as him being ultra presumptuous about the two of them and their future. What if Dave disagreed? What if he was mad? What if he pulled the rug out from under Klaus’s feet and said _ well that’s enough, time to go, how could you ever think that I would want that - _ and nope, ouch _ , _that was a spiral that Klaus refused to go down. Logically he knew Dave would never do such a thing. Still, he pedalled fast to release all the nervous energy building up.

They lived right on the outskirts of the town. It didn’t take too long to bike there, and once he arrived he skidded to a stop, stones on the path scattering out underneath him. He dropped the bicycle and burst in through the front door. 

‘Dave! Where are you?’

Down the hall, Dave stuck his head out of the bathroom. ‘Here,’ he said, toothbrush sticking out of his mouth, words muffled. ‘You a’righ?’ 

Klaus went to lean against the doorframe, catching his breath. ‘I’ve done something really stupid.’

Dave’s brow furrowed. ‘Wha-?’

‘Shelley Johnson is trying to set you up on a date with a girl called Sophie.’

Then, like a spring, Dave’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Yohshresh?’ 

‘Huh?’

He turned to the sink and spat. ‘You’re serious?’ 

‘Dead.’

‘Well. Poor Sophie. She’s gonna be a bit disappointed.’ 

‘Yeah, no shit.’ 

‘What did you do, then? Did you say I’d go?’ 

Klaus let his head thud back against the frame, sighing enormously. ‘God. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that have been so, so easy?’ 

Dave laughed. ‘Oh, babe…’

‘I’m _ such _ a moron.’

‘What did you say? Did you get jealous? Did you yell at an innocent old lady?’ 

‘Yes. But that’s not the worst of it.’ He looked at Dave pleadingly. ‘Please don’t me mad.’ 

‘I won’t be.’ 

‘Okay, so… I may or may not have told her that you’re already married.’ 

Dave choked. ‘Married?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Shit.’

‘_ Yeah. _’

‘Did she… react badly?’

‘Well, I didn’t say that _ we _ were married. I just said that you were.’ He groaned, pulling his fingers down over his face. ‘I don’t even know why I said it. She just wouldn’t shut up. Like, jeez, come on! Read the room, lady!’ He sidled into the room, falling against Dave’s bare chest with dramatic flair. ‘She’s also totally obsessed with you.’ 

‘But... I hardly know her.’

‘Exactly. She’s bonkers.’ 

‘And now she also thinks I have a secret wife?’

‘I guess.’ 

Dave laughed and started to sway Klaus back and forth in his arms. ‘That’s hardly the end of the world. You had me frightened there for a sec - half expected a mob with pitchforks to break down the door behind you.’ He chuckled again. ‘I can’t believe… Married. Oh, Klaus.’ 

‘Are you gonna play along, then?’ Klaus asked, somewhat fearful of the answer. ‘Start wearing a ring and all? Carry a picture of a pretty girl in your pocket?’ 

‘Nah. I’m not gonna lie,’ Dave said. He pressed a kiss to Klaus’s cheek. 

‘That’s nice and all, but I’m afraid I already did all the lying for you. She’s a right gossip. Everyone’s gonna think you’re already hitched by tomorrow afternoon.’

‘Then I’ll get married before then.’ 

Klaus frowned. He sounded so sure, so certain, but it didn’t make any sense. ‘What?’ 

‘If you’re willing, that is.’ 

‘_ What? _ To let you get married? To _ who _?’ 

Dave laughed again. ‘You, sweetheart,’ he murmured, hand brushing up Klaus’s arm, flitting across his cheek. There was the fondest look in his eyes. ‘Who else?’

Klaus went speechless. His mouth fell open, and Dave grinned a crooked little grin then pressed his lips to Klaus’s jaw, slowly moving along the edge of it. 

‘We’re husbands already, the way I see it,’ Dave added between kisses. ‘Might as well make it official.’

At that, Klaus turned his head and interrupted Dave’s glacial pursuit with a deep, crushing kiss. Dave reciprocated in full, and Klaus would have been knocked back by the intensity of it if it weren’t for the strong arms around his waist. 

Sometimes, less often now, Klaus thought that in a different world Dave would never have settled for someone like him, that he was merely a lousy stand in for something better. That didn’t stop him from latching on tight, even if it made him feel selfish. He’d been adrift for far too long, after all - craving something like this even when he didn’t recognise the itch - and maybe people who used to know him, so-called friends and acquaintances, perhaps even his family, far away though they were, maybe they’d all think that he’d done a complete roundabout here, gone from flighty bed-hopper who couldn’t hold down a relationship to someone who was more than happy living in the same house for over half a year, as good as married. But despite all appearances, Klaus knew this was something he’d yearned for throughout all those years of aching loneliness. Especially towards the tail-end as people he’d used to slum it with showed up with their shit together, maybe landing halfway decent apartments with their friends, or going to college, or getting a steady job, or raising a family. He’d wanted it too, sometimes. When the fog wasn’t so thick. 

Now here he was, tasting mint, Dave’s kisses softening as his hands stroked underneath Klaus’s shirt, sending shivers up his spine. Klaus knew that there was no one he loved more in the world, and that he’d do anything for this blushing, soft-hearted man, stronger than all but one, kinder than any, fitting perfectly against Klaus’s angles and edges. He’d do anything for David Katz, which was saying a lot because the list of things that Klaus wouldn’t do was not very long at all. He’d gotten into brawls for Dave. He’d already fought a fucking war for Dave. He was potentially jeopardising the subtle balance of time and history too, all for Dave. And marriage - 

‘I’d marry you in a heartbeat,’ Klaus said, the words becoming kisses before they were fully formed. _ I think I already have. _Despite how much it terrified him. Despite the fact that he never though it was something he’d get. 

Dave went still.

Klaus opened his eyes. Dave’s were shining with unshed tears, and it was like he was drinking up all that he could see, this strangely perfect moment leaning up against the bathroom sink with the soft gold light shining from the bulb hanging on a single wire, and the two toothbrushes crossed like an X in their cup, saying look no further for treasure, because it’s here, it’s all here, even if it’s mundane at first glance. The mirror needed cleaning. So did the sink. The bathmat underfoot was a little bit damp, while Dave’s face was impossibly soft, corner-creases in his eyes as he smiled. Klaus lifted a hand and wiped the tears away with his thumb, keeping his hand there, cradling. 

‘You know I would,’ Klaus added. 

The grin he loved so much broke into full shine. ‘I know,’ Dave said. ‘And I know it won’t be real, as such, but maybe one day we could do it properly, like you say -’ 

‘Fuck one day,’ Klaus interjected. ‘I don’t give a shit about the law.’

Dave kissed him lightly, still grinning. ‘I know, babe.’

‘This will be just as real. Who cares about a bit of mouldy old paper? I don’t need that to tell me who I’ve given my heart to.’ 

‘Neither,’ Dave agreed sincerely, barely hesitating. ‘So we’re doing this, then? Getting married in the bathroom?’

‘Why the hell not? Time’s a-ticking.’ 

‘I’m only half-dressed.’

‘Worried about disappointing all the attendees are you?’

‘Obviously. I can already hear the gossip.’

Klaus tutted. ‘They can shove it. It’s our big day. We can dress as slutty and depraved as we like. Be shirtless, Dave. I’m not even wearing any underwear under this skirt.’ 

Dave raised his eyebrows, then cleared his throat, determinedly trying to ignore that last fun-fact although Klaus could tell it had taken over approximately eighty-four percent of his brain. Then the general chaos and absurdity of it seemed to catch up on him, and Dave was laughing, a deep, rumbling laugh that Klaus could feel reverberating through his chest. Klaus stole his laughter from his lips in another kiss, and then he was laughing too.

Once they’d calmed back down again, Klaus asked, ‘So how does this work? Do we just say it?’

‘I hadn’t thought this far to be honest.’ Dave tilted his head to the side, thinking. 

‘We should exchange something,’ Klaus said. ‘Like rings. Though unfortunately, for all the tacky jewellery I own, I don’t actually have any rings. My collection’s all the way in 2019.’ 

‘We can get them later. For now, what about this?’ Dave held out his little finger, waggling it in front of Klaus’s nose. 

‘What? A pinkie promise?’ 

‘Fits the mood, I think.’ 

Klaus laughed. ‘Sure.’ He linked his littlest finger with Dave’s, and still the two of them leaned against the sink, against each other. Dave’s chest was warm. There was toothpaste on his chin. 

‘I might say something, if you don’t mind?’

‘Go ahead,’ Klaus said. 

Dave smiled, then he raised their hands to his mouth, and he kissed the join. ‘With this kiss, you are made holy to me, for I love you as my soul. My husband.’ 

Klaus’s heart skipped. ‘Oh, wow,’ he said, feeling breathless. ‘Did you just make that up on the spot?’ 

‘Nah. It’s a Jewish vow. Heard it once when I was at my cousin’s wedding, and I’ve always liked it.’

Klaus was in no way a religious person - steadfastly agnostic if anyone bothered to ask, and only then because he thought it was ironic, what with his unique window into death - but he knew that it was important to Dave, and this was the first time he truly understood the power of it. The words felt weighty. Important. 

‘Should I say it back?’ 

Dave smiled softly. ‘If you want.’ 

‘I do. Want to, I mean. Uh…’ He raised their hands up again, and kissed their promised fingers like Dave had. ‘With this kiss, you are..?’

‘Made holy,’ Dave prompted. 

‘You are made holy to me. Because…’

Dave ducked his head, hiding his grin. ‘For I love you as my soul.’ 

‘For I love you as my soul,’ he echoed, matching Dave’s grin. ‘Husband mine.’ Then he uncurled his finger and threw his arms around his boyfriend’s neck - his _ husband’s _neck - throat tight with emotion. 

Dave laughed, sound of pure joy and wonder. Klaus could live in that sound for the rest of his life and not want for anything. 

They kissed each other once more, sealing their promise, and then Klaus found himself being suddenly picked up, Dave’s arms strong around his middle, spinning him around so that now it was his back against the sink. Dave pressed in close, his knee moving between Klaus’s thighs, hands roaming, worshipping, the low-hanging ceiling light casting a hazy golden glow around his hair - and god, it was cheesy but he looked like an angel, like some kind of saint, and for a moment there Klaus truly did feel holy in the arms of such a man. 

Later, Klaus nestled his head beneath Dave’s chin as they lay in each other’s arms. There was a lamp on in the far corner and fairy lights behind the headboard of their bed, as well as winding around the window frame. The curtains were open, and moonlight was streaming in. Dave’s eyes were closed, and he was breathing slowly and steadily; Klaus’s hand moved up and down upon his chest with the gentle rhythm. 

‘You gonna tell people it’s me you’re married to?’ he whispered. ‘When they inevitably ask?’

Dave made a sleepy noise. ‘Maybe some,’ he said eventually. ‘Those who already know about us. But it’s for us, really. Not about them.’ 

‘It could be kinda funny if we made a big song and dance about your secret, long-distance wife.’ 

‘Could be,’ Dave mused. ‘She lives abroad. In…’

‘Portugal.’ 

‘Sure. It’s where her folks are from, and she lives there with our three kids.’ 

Klaus started spouting ideas at random. ‘She’s trying to save up enough money to build a house so you can finally live together. Until then, all you have of her is the memories of when you met in the wilds of Alaska, all those long nights of passion under the northern lights. You got married the day you both left, and you haven’t seen her since.’ 

Dave snorted. ‘Kids must be weird like you, then. Born all at once.’ 

‘Triplets exist, you know.’ 

‘True. But ouch. My poor wife.’ 

‘Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.’

‘Why haven’t I visited? Am I exiled?’ 

‘Her family has vowed to assassinate you on sight.’

Dave laughed again, and he squeezed Klaus in a one-armed hug. ‘I think people are gonna see through this story, Klaus.’

Klaus nestled closer. ‘Shelley probably won’t.’ 

‘Well… maybe that could work out for us.’

Klaus kissed his neck softly. ‘Maybe it will.’

At one o’clock on Wednesday, Klaus and Dave were let into Shelley Johnson’s old-fashioned sitting room (old even for the sixties, which made it ultra-mega-ancient for Klaus). 

She had been taken completely off-guard by their unexpected arrival, and kept stammering over her sentences. 

‘Oh, just sit the coffee there, boys,’ she said, pointing at her couch with its lacy cover. ‘I mean… drink - drink it down. _ Up. _ Sit down there and drink up. Sophie should be around soon.’

‘Dave’s very excited to meet her,’ Klaus said. ‘As friends, of course.’ 

Shelley nodded. ‘Of course. Of course.’ Her beady eyes glanced over at Dave’s hand, and the thin band on his ring finger he’d shoved on just before they arrived. ‘What was your lovely wife’s name again? Klaus neglected to mention the other day.’

‘Francesca,’ Dave said. 

‘Beautiful name. Just beautiful. But I’ve never met her - you keep her hidden away in that house of yours?’

Klaus huffed in offence. ‘What do you take him for? A psychopath?’ 

‘Ah, no... of course not… dear me...’

‘She lives in Portugal,’ Dave explained kindly, rescuing the old lady from her torment.

‘Oh! How lovely! How… exotic.’

‘With our three children.’

‘Kids?’ she asked, settling down on a chair of her own, smoothing down her skirt. ‘But you’re so far away! That must be awfully hard, not seeing them.’ 

‘I never have. One day, though, eh Klaus? Once we figure out the parent problem.’

‘Mhmm,’ he agreed. ‘That’ll be the day.’

‘The parent problem?’

Klaus and Dave shared a glance, eyes glinting.

‘Well, see, it’s a bit of a long story-’

Klaus was prepping food out the back of the restaurant, joking with the rest of the staff, when one of the cooks said, 

‘Hey, Klaus - what’s all this about Dave being in the mafia?’ 

Klaus paused in his dicing, honestly surprised. ‘The _ what? _’

‘You haven’t heard? Dude, you’re missing out! There’s all sorts of stories going around. It’s wacko. Totally wack. Some people are saying he’s married to a European heiress. Apparently there’s a warrant out for his arrest in Spain or some shit, and Jimmy Mick told me he’s actually from Alaska - but I thought you said he was from New York?’

‘Yeah, he’s not from Alaska, man.’ 

‘I knew it! Damn… you think the other stuff is true?’

Klaus started chopping potatoes once again. ‘Well, I don’t have the greatest memory - the drugs’ll do that to you, funnily enough - but I think I’d remember Dave telling me any one of those things. So, uh. No. Doubt it.’

The cook laughed. ‘It’s nuts, dude. I’m gonna have to tell my momma that Shelley Johnson’s finally lost the plot. She believes every word out of that old woman’s mouth, I swear to god.’ With that, he threw a handful of vegetables into a pan, the hiss and spit of the oil making it hard to talk. 

So the marriage story had gone out hand in hand with their nonsense lie, in the process morphing into monster-stories they hadn’t even orchestrated. They all sounded fake as hell, but that suited him and Dave just fine. Better than fine, perhaps. 

And yeah, maybe they hadn’t needed to actually get married to solve anything. But in the grand scheme of things, Klaus didn’t really mind. He smiled to himself and looked down at the shiny ring on his little finger, twin to the one on Dave’s own hand. They were cheap things from a rattling basket at the thrift shop. Maybe they’d get nicer ones another day, but for now they were perfect. 

For such a stupid spur of the moment mistake, he figured he’d gotten a pretty good deal out of the whole fiasco.

**Author's Note:**

> Turns out that Dave actually doesn’t care about lying :) and he actually just wants to marry Klaus and seizes the first opportunity like a maniac :) that’s true love babes
> 
> Thanks for reading xx


End file.
